She's broken me. I am dead. No heart, no soul. I never knew what the phrase 'a broken heart' meant, but now I understand. My chest... I can feel my heart and it's twisting, deforming, in little pieces, every time I breathe out I feel like a little bit of my soul is lost.

She said she didn't want a relationship, but she did, just not with me. She'll move on very fast, I'm just sorry that I'll have to be a burden and be around for the next few months. I just hope that when she never has to see or speak to me again she'll be happy. She's good at being happy. I just wish I could remember what happiness felt like...

I deserve this. Everything I have ever loved has thrown me away and laughed as I wept and bled. I see no point in anything. How can I trust anyone. No emotion. No feeling. Just pain... It hurts... I've suffered for so long... What did I do... What did I do... I'm sorry... Kill me please... I want to die... I've tried to go on... But it's not worth it anymore.

She doesn't care. I'm just another blip. She didn't care. Just another notch on her bedpost... She'll try for a couple of days then stop bothering, as soon as I'm out of sight, she'll be fine. She'll stop worrying. Out of sight, out of mind...

I want to be happy... I want it so much... Something I can never have...

I want to be mean to her, but I have no right. I have no right to anything. I still want her to be happy. I still want her to succeed. I still care. I still love her.

Everytime I say that, I push her away a little more. She hates me. She doesn't care. KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH my body is giving up.

I mean all of this. Never doubt me.

I gave her everything, and she took it all, used it for herself, then threw me away without a second thought and never cared. I can't... Why...? What did I d... I'm sorry for it, whatever it was...

I love her. In vain. She'll never want me.

Kill me.

Sitting Waiting Wishing...

Another day goes by with me out of the loop. To summarize the past few incidents, After Tuesday's tragic turn of events, on Wednesday evening Emma came round to pick up a hoodie she'd left in the flat. Prior to her arrival I thought that this would be it, this would be the moment when in actual fact she'd take all her stuff, leave her key, and basically block me out. In actual fact, I made things far worse for myself, as I tend to do. We basically sat and talked for a while, and reminisced. She then saw the box I'd put all her stuff in, and then asked me why I done it, then told me to put it all back. I was happy about that, and I kissed her. Twice. She didn't stop me, but she seemed a bit awkward. Then she left on her big tour of the country for her auditions, unsuccessfully unfortunately.

Looking back though, the fact that she left her things here doesn't seem so great. The fact being that she's keeping both me and Tom W on the go, simmering us both, until such a time when she decides who she wants. Which isn't far on either of us. Don't get me wrong, I hate Tom Wolstenhome, but I still acknowledge the fact that what Emma's doing to him is cruel. I mean, he wants to get with her, it's obvious to him and her, and even me and I haven't even met the guy. But she's telling me she still loves me, I'll bet she hasn't told him that. And likewise, she hasn't told me what she's talking to him about or how she feels about him.

Emma is one of those girls that have a certain magnetism, people are drawn to her. And I can't help feeling that she might be enjoying this. The fact that she's got two guys after her, and she wants to see who'll prove themselves more. Which is sick. It's getting to the point where, well, I've already lost all the trust I had in her, but now I'm starting to lose all my respect for her as well. Again, there's no way to get her to do anything, see anything or listen. I just don't want her to play the innocent card anymore, as though she's the victim. Well, my plan now is to make myself the best fucking person she's ever seen, and become the best person in college. I just wish I didn't have to see her again. That would make all of this so much easier.

It's the fact I can't control myself. Like I write this now, I have a plan about how I'm going to act around her, but as soon as she's there it goes out the window and I'm back to being a blubbering, simpering idiot who panders after her, so she has complete control, following her every whim. I hate that. I like to be in control, I like to have power. And in this situation I'm powerless. I don't want to act like that, but love forces me to, I never knew I could hate love so much. It's all so confusing.

I'm sorry that these posts are always about Emma and what's going on, but it's the best way for me to get it off my chest, and vent some anger and sadness. So sorry about that. But anyway... I'll soldier on.

I don't know....

This is.... I don't actually have the words. Right. So this morning, I woke up, made sure Jack was awake and willing to leave his house for dance, went home, got changed, went into college to help with the boys dance and assist Andy with his monologues, then went home again, had a shower, freshened up, got changed into a nice set of clothes, caught another bus into town, all of this costing me my precious little money, bought a nice bottle of wine for Emma, went to Maxwell's 10 minutes early, got a table for two and ordered some water and bread. Waited for 15 minutes, got a little nervous, called Emma.

'Hey.

Hi, where are you?

I'm at home.

You... weren't supposed to be doing anything today?

....... Oh shit.'

That summarizes Emma's opinion on me at the moment. 'Oh Shit'. All I am is an expletive, never to be mentioned in public or in front of people she wants to impress.
I don't know if I can care anymore. Christ... She treats me like shit.

Oh shit............ what have I done?!?!?!?!?! She started talking to me on facebook chat and I ranted and then called her and shouted and was mean and told her I LOVED HER AGAIN........ what the fuck?!?!! I was doing so well and now I'm involved again!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so drained, everything's rushing back, I can't get involved in this, it's not worth it. Why the fuck did I do that... I'm such a fucking idiot!! Christ... Now she hates me again, I've made the situation worse, I've gotta lay low for awhile. Leave it alone, not talk or think about it, jesus christ I'm an imbecile... Should've listened to everyone else but noooooo.... Rory does what Rory wants, now who's the fucking hypocrite... Arghhhhhh..... Plan. Need a plan. Lay low, don't talk. Leave it. Done. Christ.............

Right, so increased separation from Emma is slowly helping me to wean myself of off her. I'm not over her, but I think I'm at a point where if she asked me to be in a relationship again, I'd probably say no. It's not that I wouldn't want to spend the whole summer with her, but how could I trust her?

This is what I've figured out. On that long fateful night, when I told Emma how much I loved and cared for her, and how scared I was about how I was going to support her in the future, I acted really crazy, and that was the bit I couldn't figure out. There was no reason for me to, so why? And then I realized, the reason I acted so insane was because that was the specific moment in my life when I matured into a man. That was the moment I acted all of life's responsibilities and commitments, to follow through on my promises and to act on my feelings. That was the moment when I could finally say, 'I want to be with you for the rest of my life.'

And Emma had a chance then, to mature into a young women. Not necessarily to commit to me for the rest of her life, but to acknowledge me, and deal with it maturely. A chance to grow, and gain respect from all about her. And she threw it away. She acted like an immature, silly 11 year old girl, and ran away from the problem, breaking my heart and my life in the process. But hey. As long as she's happy.

I left this open for a day, now I'm back. I think I've got there. Or I'm starting out on the way to getting there. There being a point where I realise that the likelihood is that me and Emma are probably never going to get back together. And I think I'm ok with that. As I've said before, I just don't trust her. And I am a man. And she is a little girl. And I don't think I can take her back after what she's done to me. I hate being single, and I'll always cherish the time me and Em had last year, it was the best time of my life, but I think it's time to move on. It sucks that I'm going to have to see her practically everyday until the end of June, but these things can't be helped. And I think I'm moving on from this a lot better and faster than last time, so maybe there's hope for me soon, which is a good thought.

In the words of Bob Dylan:

I once loved a woman, a child I am told.
I gave her my heart, but she wanted my soul.

But don't think twice, it's alright........

Poem 2

Also untitled.


Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.
I'm too much of a coward to do the deed myself.
How can I have changed so much?
These new attributes that eat away my own health.

Every look, touch, taste, smell,
Keep me trapped in this infernal hell.
So throw me away, the broken boy.
No longer wanted, a worthless toy.

Self-loathing perpetuates, surrounds my form.
No one's wants are in sync, mine least of all.
For the sake of others, I tear myself apart.
They shall be happy, at the expense of my heart.

Creeping shivers rack my spine,
Empty eyes scream but suppressed.
The reason for my punishment, I pray for a sign.
Wasted prayers, like all others, that will never be blessed.

A smile at the door, hair tickling the face.
Just doing nothing, in a perfect, unimportant place.
I try to escape, block every last trace.
This pain.... This pain.... Make it stop, please....

Stand close, so present, always aware.
Fight the urge to look up and stare.
Stay down. Out of sight, out of mind.
This ridiculous search for something I will never find.

Push me away, then fly back caring.
A two sided front that I find so wearing.
But I cannot resist my gluttony for hurt,
Knowing at the start that words so curt,
Will destroy me again.

I was a terrible boyfriend.
I am a terrible friend.
I am a terrible person.
I deserve for this pain to never end.

Voices. Voices in my head.
Pounding. Unending. Drown everything.
Everything is dead.
Nothingness is King.

Is this my last resort?
To save one shred of life?
The last strand is pulled so taught...
It's your choice now. So lower the knife.

My greatest fear. Alone again.
No one cares. Alone again.
Crumble away. Alone again.
Let them be happy. That's all I ask.

A spirit amongst ghosts, but my light is dying.
Maintain the façade through continuous lying.
Not long from now, it will flicker and die.
And no one will know. Or care. Or wonder why.

Poem 1

This is, as of yet, untitled.

The pen stays still in my hand,
My mind cannot express the pain I feel.
My life is pointless, meaningless, worthless,
What did I do to deserve this ordeal?

So I'll sit, and I'll smoke, and I'll cry myself away.
With nowhere to turn I'm back in the box.
4 walls, 1 ceiling and the floor beneath my naked form,
Forever re-living the pain my mind tries to block.

I can't say what I want, the lock is too tight.
I accept my fate in this eternal night.
My body shuts down, no longer able to fight.
One last breath... And then forever, goodnight.

What is the point in trying to go on?
Or trying to express myself with this sad, sad song?
I scream at the world, 'What did I do wrong?'
She laughs at me, and leaves me bleeding.

I want to leave, I want to get out,
But the shackles are strong, pinning me down.
Alone in the darkness, I surrender to my fate,
An eternity of torture by unadulterated hate.

I look in at myself, this hideous child.
Whose terrible life will never be reconciled.
The guards stand tall, Malice, Fear and Woe,
Three immortal pillars time does not know.

Life is bright, outside of the box.
Pleasures so great, that once I did know.
And I pray no one out there should ever end up in here,
I much prefer suffering alone.

My thought's drift inward, exploring my being.
Tears spring to my eyes at the joy I am seeing.
But reality returns, my predicament throttles me.
Despair abounds, consumes, life's cruel lot to me.

My heart has been shattered, the pieces are scattered,
My soul drifts away, gone with the wind.
My body twists and deforms, beyond all recognition,
I huddle in the corner, resigned to my new, eternal position.

Where is the boy who was proud, tall and strong?
Who would do great things, and whose life would be long?
Who was sure of himself, and what he would do,
Change the world for the better, a dream it seems he outgrew.

No one can help. The ghosts drift in and out.
A torrent of faces, I can't tell whispers from shouts.
Soon though, this sympathy stream will cease,
And they will leave me in what they think is peace.

Far from it though, alone again.
A state I hate, but am forced to befriend.
Hope has long since died, crushed by denial.
The winding path is unending, another arduous trial.

All light is extinguished. Darkness abounds.
I remain hunched in the corner, without sight or sound.
At least, in here, I can't be a burden,
And can hide from all my wasted yearning.

Outside of the box, life goes on.
People wake up, and iron the personalities they don.
They know nothing of who, where or what I am.
And I do not wish them unhappiness, for they do what they can.

So I sit, and I cry, as my life drains away,
But oh, what I would give for just one more day,
In the company of she who made everything perfect,
And without whom now, my life has no point to it.

Confused and Scared....

I don't know what to do! She's now coming back to me, texting me, calling me, not all the time but every so often... I'm trying to be a friend but it's so hard to maintain... I'm going to just have to try and hide the pain.

I have proven that I loved her. I obviously don't just want her for sex, otherwise I would've buggered off by now, there have been a few askers already, and I've ignored them all. I'm sorry if she felt that we were just turning into friends who just hung out, but I don't see that. If she did, then she should've told me! That's what couples do... I told her everything, when I was sad and why, or when I was happy and how much I loved her.

I know that this is none of my fault. I have tried to help her, and done nothing wrong. If anyone can point out what I did, I will perfectly happily examine it, and take it in. The fact is, it's her. I don't know how to help. Maybe I should stop trying to help. But I can't help myself from doing it. I'm so scared she's getting with Tom behind my back... I have that right, why should I trust her? Everything she asked and begged me not to do to her, she has done to me. She has taken everything I have, all my emotion and feeling, and now that she has it all, she's thrown me away and broken my heart. I feel so... used. How can she do this? How she inflict this much pain on someone without caring? And THEN get with another guy straight after? It kills me. I love her.

The fact is, everyone has different wants, and the fact that my wants don't sync with Emma's or Tom's doesn't make them wrong, they're allowed the right to do what they want. I just think that Emma doesn't know what she wants because she's very stressed and lost and is making rash decisions trying to escape, and Tom is young, and going by his track record isn't very trustworthy. Those are my opinions, but I now realise I can't force what I want on them. I hope that if I just leave Emma to it she'll come back to me. It's her loss, not mine. And if she starts dating Tom, it'll break my heart that she cares that little about me. I did a bad thing, but they've done worse. I'm sorry for what I did, but I just don't want to be another in a long line of Emma's ex-boyfriends. I care about her so much, through all this shit I have still tried to help. I miss my baby... I miss my cuddles and tickles and SQUIDS...

Please make the pain stop... I want her back so much...

The end.

I can't fight anymore. I can't express everything in words. It's too much. I will leave it. She will hate me over time, which is what is needed. That way she can move on, and be with Tom Wolstenholme, who is probably 10 times the man I am anyway. I don't deserve to know her. I am a terrible friend, and person. I deserve to be sad and alone. I wish I'd realised earlier that I deserve to be unhappy.

Anger...

I'll break his fucking legs... Not even joking, this guy is pushing my buttons so hard resisting it for this long has been such a struggle. Now it's done. He has been warned. I feel like a terrible person, but I don't know what else to do... I just want to die. Kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me......................

How old am I....

I don't want to be here anymore. I feel like a big fish in a little pond, I want to escape, to leave this place behind me and never look back, move on with my life and start again, and try and be happy.

I don't deserve this pain. I don't deserve to feel this awful. What the fuck did I do?! The way I look at things now, it's just 4 months, and then I'm done. I can go, leave, do what I want for the summer, and then start somewhere else, and not have to deal with everyone else's bullshit and having to help other people with their problems, or having people blame and punish me for their own insecurities.

The party tonight.... Are these really the people I socialise with? Are they really the people I call my 'friends'? I mean, don't get me wrong, they can be great sometimes, but tonight... I acted like that when I was 13, not 17. Jesus... And that's the thing. I truly feel I'm better than this. That I'm older than the majority of the people around me. And yeah, that sounds arrogant, but I have to be. To achieve in this world you have to believe that you've got something that no-one else does, or everytime someone tells you that they don't like you, you'll get destroyed.

I deserve to be happy. I deserve to succeed. My whole life I have taken the blame and the pain for other people, but now, it's my turn to be happy. And they can all feel like what it was to be me. Now, it's my turn to shine.

I need to get out of here. I was happy. Now I'm hollow.

Heart or Mind....

This is so hard...

I want her back so much... My heart yearns to be back with her because of how happy we were and could be...

But my mind tells me how much she could hurt me and betray me...

What should I do?

I want to hold her and kiss her and make love to her and be there for her...

I love her... Why is life this hard?

I wish someone could show me what to do...

Shadow... X

Kiss me, Kill me

Suicide is in my blood,
It always was and will be.
Betrayal tears you apart,
Please, kiss me, kill me...

So punch me out of existence,
Choke me, comfort me,
Drag me down into the abyss of shadow.

Sticks and stones will break my bones,
But words will carve my heart out.

And in my soul,
You poked a million holes,
But I never let them show.
So kiss me, kill me,
For I cannot let you go.