Ok, so coping with the pain has become second nature, almost to the point where I sometimes don't notice it now. Me and Em having been getting on better, especially today, hugging and kissing, and she said that she loves me. The main problem at the moment is communication failure. She won't tell me how she feels, and I don't want to ask for fear of pushing her away. However, she has agreed to have a talk soon, I hope she sticks to that... The first thing I tried to show her was not to run away from your problems. It never helps, it didn't last time, it just made her sad and stressed, and when she faced up to the problem, look what happened; she found a boyfriend who she truly loved at the time, she kept Tom as a friend, that was never jeopardised at all, and Alex still talks to her. Running from it only prolonged the problem, and she felt so much better when it was over. She's in a vicious circle, the auditions were making her stressed, she blocked me out to deal with it, now she's more stressed because of me so she's burying herself in auditions again.

Also, I just get angry at a lot of things. She used to say to me when we were first going out, 'be careful with my heart, it's fragile, don't break it', now she's treating me exactly how she didn't want to be treated, I tried my hardest to be kind, and nurturing, and be the best boyfriend I could be, and now she leaves me with all this pain, and I don't even know the reason. That's what aggravates me most. I have to explain to her that she can never do this again. Not just to me, but to anyone. Unless she has a valid reason, she can't pick people up and drop them again whenever she wants like objects, she should treat them as she would want to be treated, and I know that if I, or Tom, or Anna had done what she's doing to me now to her, she would go mad. Tom has done this before, been funny and distant and she hated it, fretted and worried, got angry and was upset, but this.... It also has a huge domino effect, because of her keeping me away, I have been in unbelievable pain, she hates me talking about it, so all I'll say is that it's the worst pain I've ever felt, this in turn has made my parents and brother and sister really worried, Zoe has had to deal with me moping and ranting and crying, and Jess is incredibly worried. You have to have a reason to do things like this.

Emma said that she has to be selfish, and think about herself right now, which is true. In fairness I really shot myself in the foot there, I was the one who told her to be more selfish... Though, this isn't what I meant. There is ok selfish, then there is horrible selfish. I know both. This is the latter. So many people are getting worked up over this, it's too much. What I meant when I said 'be more selfish', was to trim the excess. Examples:

1) When people are bitching, don't join in. It's more stress and irrelevant.

2) If someone comes to you with their problems, very kindly say that you're really busy and stressed because of auditions. They should understand and leave it, if they don't, or seem really upset, tell them to talk to Judy, someone else who can help, or me.

3) Timetable your day. Don't work in the morning. Come to college, when home, do 1 hour of monologue and song work, have a one hour break, then check UCAS and prepare some answers for questions, then watch some TV, talk to Smellen, go on facebook, call Tommy. MYCO/OXOP in the evenings if needed. In my opinion doing Sweet Charity and the Producers was very foolish but there was no way I was ever going to talk her out of it. Make sure you have 1 night a week just for you, to do whatever you want, watch a movie, have some popcorn, whatever, just to relax and slob about. On other evenings, go see Anna, or one of the Toms, maybe even me if I can fit in there....

4) 1 Party every fortnight at the most, no more. You claim that your stressed and don't know how to deal with it, yet you STILL go to parties and stay up late, spend all your free time going to friends houses and hanging out in town, I am the only person you've changed at all too, and I don't see what I've done wrong, in fact, at the moment, I'm the only one trying to actually help you with the problem you're telling everyone about, and you're just pushing me away!

It also annoys me that she talks to and texts Tom Wolstenholme all the time. I know I can get paranoid, but I've kept myself under control, I know that she's not going to do anything, I trust her with all my heart and soul and I know that she loves me and won't do anything to hurt me, it's just other men I don't trust... One of the things that really annoys me in this world are guys who hit on girls with boyfriends. It does my fucking nut. I don't know how other men think, but I can't bring myself to that, I just think of the pain I'd cause this other guy, it doesn't matter if I don't know him, how anyone could willingly cause another person to suffer like that is.... disgusting. Inhumane. Just wrong. The thing is, I am human. So yeah, I'm going to get jealous sometimes. How would she like it if I asked for 'space', refused to speak to her or show her any affection and at the same time she knew I was going out most nights having a laugh whilst hanging out, getting to know and texting some girl who she knew liked me? I think she'd be pretty upset. I have every right to be jealous, she shouldn't resent or judge me for that, if anything she should be flattered that I care for her that highly.

She thinks that I worry about her 24/7, that I'm constantly wondering what she's up to... well yeah. I am right now. But that's my right. I LOVE HER. Since when did caring about the person you love become a bad thing?! When we were ok and together I didn't. I mean, I thought about her often, in a great way, not in a concerned or paranoid way, as in what is she up to, but a happy way, someone might do something that reminded me of her, or I might read something that evoked a memory of her, and smile. She gets angry and annoyed that I'm sad and I push myself on her, but how else can I act? I do the best with what I have, and the truth is she was a huge part of my life, that was suddenly torn out of me, with no explanation. I have been as strong as I could, and done damn well at that. If I had done this to her a couple of months ago, she would have fallen to pieces. I never would have though.... I never want to see her hurt.

It's just so hard seeing the person you love and not being to hug them, or pick them up or kiss them... I can barely restrain myself whenever I see her, she's been so distant for the past couple of weeks that I have all this pent up love and I hold onto it but it's so hard.... She says she always comes back and that she's my shadow but it's unfair, she doesn't do it intentionally but she can be quite exploitative.... She knows that I love her for than anything, and will wait for her for as long as she wants, doesn't mean she can keep me hanging forever and think it’s ok, that’s not what love is, I wish she’d see how much pain I’m in and help me.

Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhh........ she's just so STUBBORN!!! I want to show her that people can help, but she insists on doing everything by herself!!! She's not that strong, she needs to learn how to compromise, that it doesn't have to be all or nothing, that she can't push people like me away altogether and then take us back when she wants, or have us around all the time and burden us with everything, because then shoulders get heavy from carrying so many thoughts and problems. Good relationships that last differ from bad relationships that end, not because the good couples always get along, they argue just as much as every couple, but the good relationships survive because one of the two or both of them fight through the bad stuff and fight to keep the relationship. The bad couples don't fight, they let things dwindle out, or let them grow and grow till they explode and end. I am going to fight for this relationship. I need to show Emma that all couples get stressed and each partner has his or her own individual problems, and some of them they share and ask for help with, and some they sort out themselves, this is why we have friends, family, husbands, wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, so that if things get to tough we have people to fall back on, who care about us and will drop everything to help whenever they can, and in turn you would do the same for them. I love Emma, care about her and have never been happier than the times last year that I spent with her. She made me who I am, and I want her to be there as I grow and change into an adult. And I want to watch her flourish into a beautiful woman, who I love with all my being.

I want her to see that other people have had this happen to them as well, that I and many others before us have woken up and thought 'Fuck! I'm in a committed relationship and I don't feel the magic anymore, I'm losing my years, I must get out, now!',* or just woken up and felt totally drained and emotionless and thought; ‘I know I love this person, but I just can’t feel it’. I've had it before, the first time, I sat down with Tom, and called my dad, and talked it through straight away, because I knew it wasn't fair on the other person, and over a couple of days of intense thinking and effort, I showed myself what was wrong and a course of how to fix it. And yes, it was really hard, but it worked. Not necessarily because I knew what I was doing but because I was doing something, I had a purpose. That was when I first realised that running away is never the best option. I don't know how Emma lets herself get so stressed by these things. I really think she could benefit from seeing someone, like a counsellor. I hated the idea at first, but I grew to love it, because it was like having a mate who you could tell literally anything to, and they could never tell anyone you knew, always told you straight whether what you were doing was right or wrong, and they gave you incredibly good insightful advice on how to solve it to make everyone happy.

Emma needs to learn a few things.

1) That other people have valid opinions and advice, and usually, due to them not being in your situation are nearly always right.

2) To cope with stress better.

*And, in every example I've spoke to people about, heard about or read about, the spark never really left, it just changed, and I found it again when I felt like this, this is why so many couples who break up due to loss of 'spark' end up getting back together or regretting the break up because it takes what you can't have to see what you're missing. You wouldn't want the spark to be there forever would you, I mean, would you want to be friends with a couple who were always completely lovey dovey and goo eyed and all over each other? It would get seriously annoying.... Not to mention extremely hard for the couple maintaining that kind of intense emotion… After awhile the spark usually transforms into understanding, and comfort, and the ability to be with a person and know how they feel or what they want to say. It sounds boring, but I actually think it's one of the most beautiful things in the world.

I'm gonna leave it here, cos this is long and I'm knackered from pouring my heart out and speaking out loud. I love Emma Claire Cox with everything I have to give. X