To see the world in a grain of sand...

Sonnet

2010-05-18T10:37:00.000-07:00

I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you wear your hair.
I hate the way you hold yourself.
I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big pink coat
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick.
It even makes me rhyme.

I hate the way you're never right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh;
Even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it when you're not around
And the fact that you didn't care at all,
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you;
Not even close;
Not even a little bit;
Not even at all.

2010-02-28T15:54:00.000-08:00

She's broken me. I am dead. No heart, no soul. I never knew what the phrase 'a broken heart' meant, but now I understand. My chest... I can feel my heart and it's twisting, deforming, in little pieces, every time I breathe out I feel like a little bit of my soul is lost.

She said she didn't want a relationship, but she did, just not with me. She'll move on very fast, I'm just sorry that I'll have to be a burden and be around for the next few months. I just hope that when she never has to see or speak to me again she'll be happy. She's good at being happy. I just wish I could remember what happiness felt like...

I deserve this. Everything I have ever loved has thrown me away and laughed as I wept and bled. I see no point in anything. How can I trust anyone. No emotion. No feeling. Just pain... It hurts... I've suffered for so long... What did I do... What did I do... I'm sorry... Kill me please... I want to die... I've tried to go on... But it's not worth it anymore.

She doesn't care. I'm just another blip. She didn't care. Just another notch on her bedpost... She'll try for a couple of days then stop bothering, as soon as I'm out of sight, she'll be fine. She'll stop worrying. Out of sight, out of mind...

I want to be happy... I want it so much... Something I can never have...

I want to be mean to her, but I have no right. I have no right to anything. I still want her to be happy. I still want her to succeed. I still care. I still love her.

Everytime I say that, I push her away a little more. She hates me. She doesn't care. KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH my body is giving up.

I mean all of this. Never doubt me.

I gave her everything, and she took it all, used it for herself, then threw me away without a second thought and never cared. I can't... Why...? What did I d... I'm sorry for it, whatever it was...

I love her. In vain. She'll never want me.

Kill me.

Sitting Waiting Wishing...

2010-02-22T09:41:00.000-08:00

Another day goes by with me out of the loop. To summarize the past few incidents, After Tuesday's tragic turn of events, on Wednesday evening Emma came round to pick up a hoodie she'd left in the flat. Prior to her arrival I thought that this would be it, this would be the moment when in actual fact she'd take all her stuff, leave her key, and basically block me out. In actual fact, I made things far worse for myself, as I tend to do. We basically sat and talked for a while, and reminisced. She then saw the box I'd put all her stuff in, and then asked me why I done it, then told me to put it all back. I was happy about that, and I kissed her. Twice. She didn't stop me, but she seemed a bit awkward. Then she left on her big tour of the country for her auditions, unsuccessfully unfortunately.

Looking back though, the fact that she left her things here doesn't seem so great. The fact being that she's keeping both me and Tom W on the go, simmering us both, until such a time when she decides who she wants. Which isn't far on either of us. Don't get me wrong, I hate Tom Wolstenhome, but I still acknowledge the fact that what Emma's doing to him is cruel. I mean, he wants to get with her, it's obvious to him and her, and even me and I haven't even met the guy. But she's telling me she still loves me, I'll bet she hasn't told him that. And likewise, she hasn't told me what she's talking to him about or how she feels about him.

Emma is one of those girls that have a certain magnetism, people are drawn to her. And I can't help feeling that she might be enjoying this. The fact that she's got two guys after her, and she wants to see who'll prove themselves more. Which is sick. It's getting to the point where, well, I've already lost all the trust I had in her, but now I'm starting to lose all my respect for her as well. Again, there's no way to get her to do anything, see anything or listen. I just don't want her to play the innocent card anymore, as though she's the victim. Well, my plan now is to make myself the best fucking person she's ever seen, and become the best person in college. I just wish I didn't have to see her again. That would make all of this so much easier.

It's the fact I can't control myself. Like I write this now, I have a plan about how I'm going to act around her, but as soon as she's there it goes out the window and I'm back to being a blubbering, simpering idiot who panders after her, so she has complete control, following her every whim. I hate that. I like to be in control, I like to have power. And in this situation I'm powerless. I don't want to act like that, but love forces me to, I never knew I could hate love so much. It's all so confusing.

I'm sorry that these posts are always about Emma and what's going on, but it's the best way for me to get it off my chest, and vent some anger and sadness. So sorry about that. But anyway... I'll soldier on.

I don't know....

2010-02-16T15:22:00.000-08:00

This is.... I don't actually have the words. Right. So this morning, I woke up, made sure Jack was awake and willing to leave his house for dance, went home, got changed, went into college to help with the boys dance and assist Andy with his monologues, then went home again, had a shower, freshened up, got changed into a nice set of clothes, caught another bus into town, all of this costing me my precious little money, bought a nice bottle of wine for Emma, went to Maxwell's 10 minutes early, got a table for two and ordered some water and bread. Waited for 15 minutes, got a little nervous, called Emma.

'Hey.

Hi, where are you?

I'm at home.

You... weren't supposed to be doing anything today?

....... Oh shit.'

That summarizes Emma's opinion on me at the moment. 'Oh Shit'. All I am is an expletive, never to be mentioned in public or in front of people she wants to impress.
I don't know if I can care anymore. Christ... She treats me like shit.

Oh shit............ what have I done?!?!?!?!?! She started talking to me on facebook chat and I ranted and then called her and shouted and was mean and told her I LOVED HER AGAIN........ what the fuck?!?!! I was doing so well and now I'm involved again!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so drained, everything's rushing back, I can't get involved in this, it's not worth it. Why the fuck did I do that... I'm such a fucking idiot!! Christ... Now she hates me again, I've made the situation worse, I've gotta lay low for awhile. Leave it alone, not talk or think about it, jesus christ I'm an imbecile... Should've listened to everyone else but noooooo.... Rory does what Rory wants, now who's the fucking hypocrite... Arghhhhhh..... Plan. Need a plan. Lay low, don't talk. Leave it. Done. Christ.............

2010-02-16T02:43:00.000-08:00

Right, so increased separation from Emma is slowly helping me to wean myself of off her. I'm not over her, but I think I'm at a point where if she asked me to be in a relationship again, I'd probably say no. It's not that I wouldn't want to spend the whole summer with her, but how could I trust her?

This is what I've figured out. On that long fateful night, when I told Emma how much I loved and cared for her, and how scared I was about how I was going to support her in the future, I acted really crazy, and that was the bit I couldn't figure out. There was no reason for me to, so why? And then I realized, the reason I acted so insane was because that was the specific moment in my life when I matured into a man. That was the moment I acted all of life's responsibilities and commitments, to follow through on my promises and to act on my feelings. That was the moment when I could finally say, 'I want to be with you for the rest of my life.'

And Emma had a chance then, to mature into a young women. Not necessarily to commit to me for the rest of her life, but to acknowledge me, and deal with it maturely. A chance to grow, and gain respect from all about her. And she threw it away. She acted like an immature, silly 11 year old girl, and ran away from the problem, breaking my heart and my life in the process. But hey. As long as she's happy.

I left this open for a day, now I'm back. I think I've got there. Or I'm starting out on the way to getting there. There being a point where I realise that the likelihood is that me and Emma are probably never going to get back together. And I think I'm ok with that. As I've said before, I just don't trust her. And I am a man. And she is a little girl. And I don't think I can take her back after what she's done to me. I hate being single, and I'll always cherish the time me and Em had last year, it was the best time of my life, but I think it's time to move on. It sucks that I'm going to have to see her practically everyday until the end of June, but these things can't be helped. And I think I'm moving on from this a lot better and faster than last time, so maybe there's hope for me soon, which is a good thought.

In the words of Bob Dylan:

I once loved a woman, a child I am told.
I gave her my heart, but she wanted my soul.

But don't think twice, it's alright........

Poem 2

2010-02-12T16:00:00.001-08:00

Also untitled.

Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.
I'm too much of a coward to do the deed myself.
How can I have changed so much?
These new attributes that eat away my own health.

Every look, touch, taste, smell,
Keep me trapped in this infernal hell.
So throw me away, the broken boy.
No longer wanted, a worthless toy.

Self-loathing perpetuates, surrounds my form.
No one's wants are in sync, mine least of all.
For the sake of others, I tear myself apart.
They shall be happy, at the expense of my heart.

Creeping shivers rack my spine,
Empty eyes scream but suppressed.
The reason for my punishment, I pray for a sign.
Wasted prayers, like all others, that will never be blessed.

A smile at the door, hair tickling the face.
Just doing nothing, in a perfect, unimportant place.
I try to escape, block every last trace.
This pain.... This pain.... Make it stop, please....

Stand close, so present, always aware.
Fight the urge to look up and stare.
Stay down. Out of sight, out of mind.
This ridiculous search for something I will never find.

Push me away, then fly back caring.
A two sided front that I find so wearing.
But I cannot resist my gluttony for hurt,
Knowing at the start that words so curt,
Will destroy me again.

I was a terrible boyfriend.
I am a terrible friend.
I am a terrible person.
I deserve for this pain to never end.

Voices. Voices in my head.
Pounding. Unending. Drown everything.
Everything is dead.
Nothingness is King.

Is this my last resort?
To save one shred of life?
The last strand is pulled so taught...
It's your choice now. So lower the knife.

My greatest fear. Alone again.
No one cares. Alone again.
Crumble away. Alone again.
Let them be happy. That's all I ask.

A spirit amongst ghosts, but my light is dying.
Maintain the façade through continuous lying.
Not long from now, it will flicker and die.
And no one will know. Or care. Or wonder why.

Poem 1

2010-02-12T12:04:00.000-08:00

This is, as of yet, untitled.

The pen stays still in my hand,
My mind cannot express the pain I feel.
My life is pointless, meaningless, worthless,
What did I do to deserve this ordeal?

So I'll sit, and I'll smoke, and I'll cry myself away.
With nowhere to turn I'm back in the box.
4 walls, 1 ceiling and the floor beneath my naked form,
Forever re-living the pain my mind tries to block.

I can't say what I want, the lock is too tight.
I accept my fate in this eternal night.
My body shuts down, no longer able to fight.
One last breath... And then forever, goodnight.

What is the point in trying to go on?
Or trying to express myself with this sad, sad song?
I scream at the world, 'What did I do wrong?'
She laughs at me, and leaves me bleeding.

I want to leave, I want to get out,
But the shackles are strong, pinning me down.
Alone in the darkness, I surrender to my fate,
An eternity of torture by unadulterated hate.

I look in at myself, this hideous child.
Whose terrible life will never be reconciled.
The guards stand tall, Malice, Fear and Woe,
Three immortal pillars time does not know.

Life is bright, outside of the box.
Pleasures so great, that once I did know.
And I pray no one out there should ever end up in here,
I much prefer suffering alone.

My thought's drift inward, exploring my being.
Tears spring to my eyes at the joy I am seeing.
But reality returns, my predicament throttles me.
Despair abounds, consumes, life's cruel lot to me.

My heart has been shattered, the pieces are scattered,
My soul drifts away, gone with the wind.
My body twists and deforms, beyond all recognition,
I huddle in the corner, resigned to my new, eternal position.

Where is the boy who was proud, tall and strong?
Who would do great things, and whose life would be long?
Who was sure of himself, and what he would do,
Change the world for the better, a dream it seems he outgrew.

No one can help. The ghosts drift in and out.
A torrent of faces, I can't tell whispers from shouts.
Soon though, this sympathy stream will cease,
And they will leave me in what they think is peace.

Far from it though, alone again.
A state I hate, but am forced to befriend.
Hope has long since died, crushed by denial.
The winding path is unending, another arduous trial.

All light is extinguished. Darkness abounds.
I remain hunched in the corner, without sight or sound.
At least, in here, I can't be a burden,
And can hide from all my wasted yearning.

Outside of the box, life goes on.
People wake up, and iron the personalities they don.
They know nothing of who, where or what I am.
And I do not wish them unhappiness, for they do what they can.

So I sit, and I cry, as my life drains away,
But oh, what I would give for just one more day,
In the company of she who made everything perfect,
And without whom now, my life has no point to it.

Confused and Scared....

2010-02-10T03:53:00.001-08:00

I don't know what to do! She's now coming back to me, texting me, calling me, not all the time but every so often... I'm trying to be a friend but it's so hard to maintain... I'm going to just have to try and hide the pain.

I have proven that I loved her. I obviously don't just want her for sex, otherwise I would've buggered off by now, there have been a few askers already, and I've ignored them all. I'm sorry if she felt that we were just turning into friends who just hung out, but I don't see that. If she did, then she should've told me! That's what couples do... I told her everything, when I was sad and why, or when I was happy and how much I loved her.

I know that this is none of my fault. I have tried to help her, and done nothing wrong. If anyone can point out what I did, I will perfectly happily examine it, and take it in. The fact is, it's her. I don't know how to help. Maybe I should stop trying to help. But I can't help myself from doing it. I'm so scared she's getting with Tom behind my back... I have that right, why should I trust her? Everything she asked and begged me not to do to her, she has done to me. She has taken everything I have, all my emotion and feeling, and now that she has it all, she's thrown me away and broken my heart. I feel so... used. How can she do this? How she inflict this much pain on someone without caring? And THEN get with another guy straight after? It kills me. I love her.

The fact is, everyone has different wants, and the fact that my wants don't sync with Emma's or Tom's doesn't make them wrong, they're allowed the right to do what they want. I just think that Emma doesn't know what she wants because she's very stressed and lost and is making rash decisions trying to escape, and Tom is young, and going by his track record isn't very trustworthy. Those are my opinions, but I now realise I can't force what I want on them. I hope that if I just leave Emma to it she'll come back to me. It's her loss, not mine. And if she starts dating Tom, it'll break my heart that she cares that little about me. I did a bad thing, but they've done worse. I'm sorry for what I did, but I just don't want to be another in a long line of Emma's ex-boyfriends. I care about her so much, through all this shit I have still tried to help. I miss my baby... I miss my cuddles and tickles and SQUIDS...

Please make the pain stop... I want her back so much...

The end.

2010-02-08T06:40:00.000-08:00

I can't fight anymore. I can't express everything in words. It's too much. I will leave it. She will hate me over time, which is what is needed. That way she can move on, and be with Tom Wolstenholme, who is probably 10 times the man I am anyway. I don't deserve to know her. I am a terrible friend, and person. I deserve to be sad and alone. I wish I'd realised earlier that I deserve to be unhappy.

Anger...

2010-02-07T11:32:00.001-08:00

I'll break his fucking legs... Not even joking, this guy is pushing my buttons so hard resisting it for this long has been such a struggle. Now it's done. He has been warned. I feel like a terrible person, but I don't know what else to do... I just want to die. Kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me......................

How old am I....

2010-02-06T17:24:00.000-08:00

I don't want to be here anymore. I feel like a big fish in a little pond, I want to escape, to leave this place behind me and never look back, move on with my life and start again, and try and be happy.

I don't deserve this pain. I don't deserve to feel this awful. What the fuck did I do?! The way I look at things now, it's just 4 months, and then I'm done. I can go, leave, do what I want for the summer, and then start somewhere else, and not have to deal with everyone else's bullshit and having to help other people with their problems, or having people blame and punish me for their own insecurities.

The party tonight.... Are these really the people I socialise with? Are they really the people I call my 'friends'? I mean, don't get me wrong, they can be great sometimes, but tonight... I acted like that when I was 13, not 17. Jesus... And that's the thing. I truly feel I'm better than this. That I'm older than the majority of the people around me. And yeah, that sounds arrogant, but I have to be. To achieve in this world you have to believe that you've got something that no-one else does, or everytime someone tells you that they don't like you, you'll get destroyed.

I deserve to be happy. I deserve to succeed. My whole life I have taken the blame and the pain for other people, but now, it's my turn to be happy. And they can all feel like what it was to be me. Now, it's my turn to shine.

I need to get out of here. I was happy. Now I'm hollow.

Heart or Mind....

2010-02-03T15:49:00.000-08:00

This is so hard...

I want her back so much... My heart yearns to be back with her because of how happy we were and could be...

But my mind tells me how much she could hurt me and betray me...

What should I do?

I want to hold her and kiss her and make love to her and be there for her...

I love her... Why is life this hard?

I wish someone could show me what to do...

Shadow... X

Kiss me, Kill me

2010-02-02T10:56:00.000-08:00

Suicide is in my blood,
It always was and will be.
Betrayal tears you apart,
Please, kiss me, kill me...

So punch me out of existence,
Choke me, comfort me,
Drag me down into the abyss of shadow.

Sticks and stones will break my bones,
But words will carve my heart out.

And in my soul,
You poked a million holes,
But I never let them show.
So kiss me, kill me,
For I cannot let you go.

This isn't the end... But who know's what tomorrow may bring...?

2010-01-31T09:06:00.000-08:00

So. I broke up with Emma. I think it had to be done. She was giving me all the signs that she wanted it to end, but she just ran away from performing the final blow herself, and I eventually decided that if she was going to be that selfish, I had to be a little bit selfish too. I didn't want to, I wanted to help her, and everyone else, but I realised that it's not possible to help people when you can't help yourself.

I do feel better now it's over. Don't get me wrong, it sucks being single again, and I still love Emma, but I now realise that's not enough. Love isn't just something you say, and that's what was wrong, amongst many other things, Emma kept saying that she loved me, and I'm sure she did, but love isn't just something you say, it's something you do. I fought for her, and tried to help her, and spoke to so many people about how to sort all of this out, and was strong for so long, I acted like I was in love with her, but she treated me like I was nothing to her, and just saying three words doesn't change that.

I never thought relaionships could be this complicated. I thought that when a relationship came to an end, one person or the other didn't love the other anymore, or one of them did something bad or whatever, but in this situation, both people still love each other, it's just that one of them is extremly immature and doesn't know how to deal with her own fears and insecurities, and the other is so helplessly in love with her that he will go through unimaginable suffering even if there was the slightest chance of them getting back together.

At the moment, I can't forgive Emma for what she did to me. That'll take time. I still love her, and she is one of my best friends, if not my best friend. But right now, I just don't trust her. How am I supposed to know that if we got back together, within a week, or a month, she might do this same thing all over again? I can't take that again. Until she can prove to me that she can deal with her own stress and problems, I don't think I can be with her. God knows, every fiber of me wants to be with her, but I know that at the moment it's not the right thing. For either of us.

I still love my shadow. But if not being with her is the only way to help and take care of her, so be it.

X

2010-01-25T10:30:00.000-08:00

Ok, so coping with the pain has become second nature, almost to the point where I sometimes don't notice it now. Me and Em having been getting on better, especially today, hugging and kissing, and she said that she loves me. The main problem at the moment is communication failure. She won't tell me how she feels, and I don't want to ask for fear of pushing her away. However, she has agreed to have a talk soon, I hope she sticks to that... The first thing I tried to show her was not to run away from your problems. It never helps, it didn't last time, it just made her sad and stressed, and when she faced up to the problem, look what happened; she found a boyfriend who she truly loved at the time, she kept Tom as a friend, that was never jeopardised at all, and Alex still talks to her. Running from it only prolonged the problem, and she felt so much better when it was over. She's in a vicious circle, the auditions were making her stressed, she blocked me out to deal with it, now she's more stressed because of me so she's burying herself in auditions again.

Also, I just get angry at a lot of things. She used to say to me when we were first going out, 'be careful with my heart, it's fragile, don't break it', now she's treating me exactly how she didn't want to be treated, I tried my hardest to be kind, and nurturing, and be the best boyfriend I could be, and now she leaves me with all this pain, and I don't even know the reason. That's what aggravates me most. I have to explain to her that she can never do this again. Not just to me, but to anyone. Unless she has a valid reason, she can't pick people up and drop them again whenever she wants like objects, she should treat them as she would want to be treated, and I know that if I, or Tom, or Anna had done what she's doing to me now to her, she would go mad. Tom has done this before, been funny and distant and she hated it, fretted and worried, got angry and was upset, but this.... It also has a huge domino effect, because of her keeping me away, I have been in unbelievable pain, she hates me talking about it, so all I'll say is that it's the worst pain I've ever felt, this in turn has made my parents and brother and sister really worried, Zoe has had to deal with me moping and ranting and crying, and Jess is incredibly worried. You have to have a reason to do things like this.

Emma said that she has to be selfish, and think about herself right now, which is true. In fairness I really shot myself in the foot there, I was the one who told her to be more selfish... Though, this isn't what I meant. There is ok selfish, then there is horrible selfish. I know both. This is the latter. So many people are getting worked up over this, it's too much. What I meant when I said 'be more selfish', was to trim the excess. Examples:

1) When people are bitching, don't join in. It's more stress and irrelevant.

2) If someone comes to you with their problems, very kindly say that you're really busy and stressed because of auditions. They should understand and leave it, if they don't, or seem really upset, tell them to talk to Judy, someone else who can help, or me.

3) Timetable your day. Don't work in the morning. Come to college, when home, do 1 hour of monologue and song work, have a one hour break, then check UCAS and prepare some answers for questions, then watch some TV, talk to Smellen, go on facebook, call Tommy. MYCO/OXOP in the evenings if needed. In my opinion doing Sweet Charity and the Producers was very foolish but there was no way I was ever going to talk her out of it. Make sure you have 1 night a week just for you, to do whatever you want, watch a movie, have some popcorn, whatever, just to relax and slob about. On other evenings, go see Anna, or one of the Toms, maybe even me if I can fit in there....

4) 1 Party every fortnight at the most, no more. You claim that your stressed and don't know how to deal with it, yet you STILL go to parties and stay up late, spend all your free time going to friends houses and hanging out in town, I am the only person you've changed at all too, and I don't see what I've done wrong, in fact, at the moment, I'm the only one trying to actually help you with the problem you're telling everyone about, and you're just pushing me away!

It also annoys me that she talks to and texts Tom Wolstenholme all the time. I know I can get paranoid, but I've kept myself under control, I know that she's not going to do anything, I trust her with all my heart and soul and I know that she loves me and won't do anything to hurt me, it's just other men I don't trust... One of the things that really annoys me in this world are guys who hit on girls with boyfriends. It does my fucking nut. I don't know how other men think, but I can't bring myself to that, I just think of the pain I'd cause this other guy, it doesn't matter if I don't know him, how anyone could willingly cause another person to suffer like that is.... disgusting. Inhumane. Just wrong. The thing is, I am human. So yeah, I'm going to get jealous sometimes. How would she like it if I asked for 'space', refused to speak to her or show her any affection and at the same time she knew I was going out most nights having a laugh whilst hanging out, getting to know and texting some girl who she knew liked me? I think she'd be pretty upset. I have every right to be jealous, she shouldn't resent or judge me for that, if anything she should be flattered that I care for her that highly.

She thinks that I worry about her 24/7, that I'm constantly wondering what she's up to... well yeah. I am right now. But that's my right. I LOVE HER. Since when did caring about the person you love become a bad thing?! When we were ok and together I didn't. I mean, I thought about her often, in a great way, not in a concerned or paranoid way, as in what is she up to, but a happy way, someone might do something that reminded me of her, or I might read something that evoked a memory of her, and smile. She gets angry and annoyed that I'm sad and I push myself on her, but how else can I act? I do the best with what I have, and the truth is she was a huge part of my life, that was suddenly torn out of me, with no explanation. I have been as strong as I could, and done damn well at that. If I had done this to her a couple of months ago, she would have fallen to pieces. I never would have though.... I never want to see her hurt.

It's just so hard seeing the person you love and not being to hug them, or pick them up or kiss them... I can barely restrain myself whenever I see her, she's been so distant for the past couple of weeks that I have all this pent up love and I hold onto it but it's so hard.... She says she always comes back and that she's my shadow but it's unfair, she doesn't do it intentionally but she can be quite exploitative.... She knows that I love her for than anything, and will wait for her for as long as she wants, doesn't mean she can keep me hanging forever and think it’s ok, that’s not what love is, I wish she’d see how much pain I’m in and help me.

Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhh........ she's just so STUBBORN!!! I want to show her that people can help, but she insists on doing everything by herself!!! She's not that strong, she needs to learn how to compromise, that it doesn't have to be all or nothing, that she can't push people like me away altogether and then take us back when she wants, or have us around all the time and burden us with everything, because then shoulders get heavy from carrying so many thoughts and problems. Good relationships that last differ from bad relationships that end, not because the good couples always get along, they argue just as much as every couple, but the good relationships survive because one of the two or both of them fight through the bad stuff and fight to keep the relationship. The bad couples don't fight, they let things dwindle out, or let them grow and grow till they explode and end. I am going to fight for this relationship. I need to show Emma that all couples get stressed and each partner has his or her own individual problems, and some of them they share and ask for help with, and some they sort out themselves, this is why we have friends, family, husbands, wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, so that if things get to tough we have people to fall back on, who care about us and will drop everything to help whenever they can, and in turn you would do the same for them. I love Emma, care about her and have never been happier than the times last year that I spent with her. She made me who I am, and I want her to be there as I grow and change into an adult. And I want to watch her flourish into a beautiful woman, who I love with all my being.

I want her to see that other people have had this happen to them as well, that I and many others before us have woken up and thought 'Fuck! I'm in a committed relationship and I don't feel the magic anymore, I'm losing my years, I must get out, now!',* or just woken up and felt totally drained and emotionless and thought; ‘I know I love this person, but I just can’t feel it’. I've had it before, the first time, I sat down with Tom, and called my dad, and talked it through straight away, because I knew it wasn't fair on the other person, and over a couple of days of intense thinking and effort, I showed myself what was wrong and a course of how to fix it. And yes, it was really hard, but it worked. Not necessarily because I knew what I was doing but because I was doing something, I had a purpose. That was when I first realised that running away is never the best option. I don't know how Emma lets herself get so stressed by these things. I really think she could benefit from seeing someone, like a counsellor. I hated the idea at first, but I grew to love it, because it was like having a mate who you could tell literally anything to, and they could never tell anyone you knew, always told you straight whether what you were doing was right or wrong, and they gave you incredibly good insightful advice on how to solve it to make everyone happy.

Emma needs to learn a few things.

1) That other people have valid opinions and advice, and usually, due to them not being in your situation are nearly always right.

2) To cope with stress better.

*And, in every example I've spoke to people about, heard about or read about, the spark never really left, it just changed, and I found it again when I felt like this, this is why so many couples who break up due to loss of 'spark' end up getting back together or regretting the break up because it takes what you can't have to see what you're missing. You wouldn't want the spark to be there forever would you, I mean, would you want to be friends with a couple who were always completely lovey dovey and goo eyed and all over each other? It would get seriously annoying.... Not to mention extremely hard for the couple maintaining that kind of intense emotion… After awhile the spark usually transforms into understanding, and comfort, and the ability to be with a person and know how they feel or what they want to say. It sounds boring, but I actually think it's one of the most beautiful things in the world.

I'm gonna leave it here, cos this is long and I'm knackered from pouring my heart out and speaking out loud. I love Emma Claire Cox with everything I have to give. X

2010-01-17T12:30:00.000-08:00

How is this much pain possible... It's continuous agony, eating every away every part of me... I suffer alone... I don't wanna be alone...............

2010-01-14T13:33:00.001-08:00

Yo no pienso que ella sabe cuánto esto me duele. Sé que puedo ser paranoico, y trataré mi más duro de controlar eso de ahora en adelante. Yo no quiero volverse lo que desprecio... Yo me fío de ella implícitamente, soy otras personas que yo no me fío de. Estuvo equivocado de mí traicionar su fe en mí pero en leer sus mensajes, yo acabo de tener un momento de la debilidad, pero aprende de mis errores, y de yo definitivamente no haré ése otra vez.

Yo me siento tan terrible sin ella... Tengo un dolor en el estómago, y se siento como la mitad de mí es vacío, como un hombre hueco. Duele tanto, y la manera que ella me miró hoy, así que dolió. ... Yo me siento tan culpable y enfadado para tener el disparo yo mismo en el pie como eso.

A pesar de todos mis defectos y vicios, yo sé que ella todavía se fía de mí. Y yo me fío de su también. Yo la adoro. Y sé que ella regresará a mí al fin. Ensombreza siempre venga volar atrás...

2010-01-13T10:01:00.000-08:00

Ah.......... I haven't done one of these in so long... My last blog I considered pointless, as no one read it. But looking back on it I realise how arrogant I was to assume that anyone would be interested. That blog was for me, and it did help. Sometimes just writing things down helps shed the weight they may have on you.

I wasn't intending to write another one of these, they usually get me in trouble, but I want to see if this will help me feel better.

Emma wants her space. I'm happy to give her what she wants, but it's so hard not being able to talk to her... All I've done is sat at home and watched crap all day, I never realised how much my life revolved around her, in the best possible way, she gave me a reason to go out, to meet new people, she provided conversation, and love, most of which I didn't deserve and rebuked...

On Sunday night we were in bed. Me and Emma haven't been able to do it in a while for certain reasons, and I've been trying very hard to control my urges but as of late it's been very difficult for me, almost like there's an inner force in me controlling my actions. I regret every cheeky innuendo and teasing touch, but I can't seem to help myself. I know it makes Em feel so guilty, she tries to laugh it off, but I can tell it hurts her... I hope because she doesn't like to see me unhappy, but it's probably because she doesn't understand why I don't stop. I feel terrible...

Anyway, that day she had hinted that we may be finally able to end the dry spell that night. I was ecstatic, as she seemed really up for it, and sounded happy. However, later on that night, Em revealed that in fact, due to bad circumstances, we were going to have to call off our plans. I was sad and disappointed, but I tried not to show it as I knew Em would blame herself and get upset. I tried my best to not show how crushed I was, but she knows me far too well and questioned me, and I can't lie to her, so I just said I was sad, and she was, as predicted, very upset and had a long cry, then we went to bed and she started crying in bed, and I can't stand to see her cry, it makes my insides go cold and grate, especially when I know it's my fault... So we both had a cry, then we couldn't sleep, so we turned the lights on and had a talk.

And, I don't know, maybe because I was exhausted and badly ill, or the removal of sex from me infuriated my inner lust, All of my internal thoughts came out as soon as Emma asked me what I was thinking about. Not in a bad, or violent way, I just spoke about how I'd been alone, and my thoughts were going haywire, bringing my insomnia back, and I talked about the future, and us, as in, how are we going to make a relationship from drama school work, will we get married afterwards, will we have kids, where will we live, how much will we earn...? I admit, it was more than a little crazy, which I admitted at the time, but I was touched that she'd asked and listened to me, but was also slightly scared as she seemed very defensive of me, especially as when she tried to probe further I warned her not to get involved with my emotions, as I tend to lose myself.

However, following this incident, over the next couple of days Emma seemed more distant, asking for space, and I feel terrible for burdening both of us. I can barely function without her, and yet she's terrified I'm some sort of psycho, liable to snap at any point...

That isn't true. I'm not a psycho. I may not be a saint, but I try my best to be a good person. I love Emma with all my heart, body and soul, and want nothing more than to have her back and to have things the way they used to be. I can never apologise enough to her about being cheeky, and I will try my hardest to control myself from now on.

I love her so much. I'm so scared...